Burying an old rotting Tasmanian tiger

A road fatality brought here by a man who is not here at this point 

Skin stripped off and nailed stretched over an old log to make a new drum skin 

The muscles and sinews make a macabre display on the front porch 

An interesting addition to a mostly vegan household 

We carry it together to the grave as the setting sun drops below the horizon 

I dry wretch as I make the mistake to breathe inwards with my nose instead of my mouth 

Rotting flesh is not the best incense 

She then brings a scented candle and a stick with a burning incense and feather on it 

I appreciate the disguised smell more than the ritual 

We place the flayed devil into the damp dark hole 

His ribs are visible, with no fur left to hide them 

The only fur remaining is on the tail and face 

When he is placed in the hole I curl his tail around him and she arranges his neck so it is on a more natural angle 

She gives a eulogy as do I 

I feel insincere, like I am just going through the motions 

I can see that she really means what she says

I am reminded of other burials for animals I actually was attached to 

This intensifies the numbness I feel inside

I am sickened by the smell and the sight of it but I emotionally I just don’t care 

Apathy is a double edged sword 

It protects me but also makes me feel like a fake 

I am just going through the motions of life and this funeral for a forest creature seems to have put this feeling into visceral flesh 

I am relieved when we drop earth on it and it begins to look like it is just sleeping 

The fleshy ribs are hidden and I can begin to feel less sickened 

I wonder if this numbness to death  is part of growing up

I am reminded of how my father doesn’t cry at funerals and how as a child I cried for the death of The Little Match Girl 

My favourite part of the whole ceremony is laying the stones in a circle and returning the earth to its normal state 

I have touched on death in such an impersonal way that I wonder on some level if I have become a monster 

I feel nothing 

Less than nothing 

I feel like part of me was buried in that hole as well 

Maybe it was